If life is so bad, why can you not then just throw it away? Why do you have to keep holding on to it and suffer in silence? Why can't you just cast this life aside and start again somewhere else sometime later?

Some people say that you should try to speak your happiness into existence. By telling people you're happy, you're contented - you will eventually become happy and contented. But what sort of existence would that happiness and contentment be? Would it be in essence, or would it be in he contrived sense? If existence is contrived, can it even exist then?

The heart has been scarred many times. Some of them were slashes. Others were just minor cuts. And bruises. And still, the boy stands there adjusting his heart around to ensure the ugly wounds are hidden from sight. How much longer can he hold? He has cried so much his entire life that he has not a single drop of tear left in him.

...And the smile will do what the tears failed to do :-)

Being awake in the dead of the night allows you to confront difficulties, unattended feelings, and other miscellaneous stuff which you'd never be able to do during the day. Thoughts you'd never entertain, ideas you'd never even hv looked at. It is not because of the widely-accepted notion of the night being more conducive and allowing you to think better, clearer. It just liberates you from the straitjackets of everyday conformity and gives you the courage to explore boundaries which you'd never hv tried to during the day.

I happen to be the kind of person who believes that the people who attend my funeral should laugh. Play mahjong, play bridge, whatever. Perhaps I should make posters and have them plastered all over the parlour. After all, life and death are part and parcel of our existence in this world. It doesn't really matter that much. They are so intimately related actually. A perfectly healthy boy, bubbly and full of life, might just drop dead suddenly. Learn to be cool about it.

its a general state of unhappiness when everything seems to be marred by this sense of dissatisfaction and u cant seem to rid yourself of it. :-(

for once, i confess, i wish i had a girlfriend. it makes things less complicated. :-(

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

was glad to hv spoken to someone who made me see things from another perspective (finally!).

one of the things that has always been on my mind the past months is the possibility of doing a PhD after my masters (and trying means & ways to beg MOE to let me defer my bond). but now i am certain that it will not happen. if the PhD does happen, it will be after the bond. and if that happens, i am convinced that my experience at MOE will broaden my possibilities after the PhD too. :-)

right now i can only pray that my topic / idea remains safely guarded from the prying eyes of the academia, ready for me to take on (provided i wan to) in 5 years' time (including this second year of masters).

"u know what? the worst thing we can ever do in life is to regret our actions. we should always look ahead to the future because wat's done can never be undone."

i remember these words vividly because they were exactly wat i told a fren a few yrs back. it was a kind of dictum which i thought i shld live my life with. i still remember my smile back then as i spoke those words.

yet when i am stuck in the same sort of situation, i find those words so utterly useless. so utterly distant. somehow they don't seem to apply - theories, dictums, principles, ideologies, whatever u hv - they don't apply in real life. how much more resilient can i stay? masters din seem like a very good idea after all. masters in nus, singapore.

juz the other day, i was talking about dreams to a fren. i was quite forthcoming - i said i hated life in singapore. overcrowding was a huge factor. i can't seem to find a spot where i can be alone for long anymore. i was telling that fren how i longed to head over to the countryside in the uk, and get a little plot of land with a little cottage. i could hv my own garden where i could grow my vegetables. i could hv my little hens roosting around. i'd probably get two dogs - golden retrievers. if space permits, a cow as well. what a carefree life that would be! to be free from the pressure to excel. to be free from everything and anything. juz me, my cottage, my little farm, and my dreams. an idyllic lifestyle. i could sell newspapers, for all i care, in a little town nearby. as long as i earn enough to feed myself.

sometimes i just wish i was a little smarter. i wish i was a little more hardworking. i wish i was a little less lazy. my thoughts and ideas are stagnating, and that, i hv to admit, aint the best thing that can happen to a person who hopes to acheive something.

u spoke to me
u told me things
u made my mind go round n round
i'm so caught up with u

it's like u crept into my mind
unleashed ur sexiness
around my six senses
control has lost its grip on me
and i plunged in
without a care without worrying

or did i?
was i too cautious once again?
did rationality step in
and cast its lasso upon me?

i wish u missed u know
i wished u caught me.
but i wish u missed definitely
bcos all i want to do is to take dat plunge
into dat deep pool
of de unknown
of a territory unchartered
of a place unvisited

because u stole my heart
and i
gotta retrieve it back