no smoke. no drink. no company.
i need to just stop and let go.
of everything i am trying to hold on to now.

STOP!!!

depressed.
i need time out. and a smoke to complement it.

I feel so blessed... that it is beyond description.
This must be the first time I cried on my birthday.

May babies have usually been the ill-fated ones. The lucky ones suffer the fate of having post-birthday celebrations. The not-so-lucky ones suffer the fate of being forgotten. I must say I have been really lucky. I have been blessed with friends who remember. Although most of the celebrations have been post-birthday ones, they have been really good. There was the one with my primary school friends during my army days. That was memorable! And there was the one with the csc friends two years back (or was it three?). And last year's with the grad trip gang. And with the 4th mc at ubin - that was a surprise! I think I must count myself lucky to have had at least one memorable birthday celebration with each group of friends who matter.

This year my e4g7 aka hello family did it. the surprise was fun.! i got a bit worn out twds de end, trying to psycho myself tt laopa wasn't trying to do anything. who'd hv expected them to turn up at my doorstep.?! the fantabulous cake!!! and my geog hons friends. the cake was pure fun. and i love the present. i even feel guilty tt they spent so much on me. gosh. and my grad frens. foreign students. despite our differences, i'm glad we're a pretty close knitted bunch.

I am thankful for the pre-birthday celebrations. I know it probably won't happen again. I mean good things don't happen all the time right.? And I don't ask for more, really. I am cherishing every single good moment that has happened thus far. I'm honestly thankful for everything tt has happened. Argh. And I'm at a loss for words.

Life is good (discounting the thesis).

it's either cry or smoke, or cry and smoke.

but... my eye glands have been locked up. there is this in-built mechanism developed over the years that doesn't allow me to cry as easily as i did in the past. and... i wan to smoke so badly. but there is yet another in-built mechanism (that's probably sado-masochistic in nature as well) that forbids me frm smoking in instances like these when i wan & need to smoke more than i feel like it.

why do i find myself treading back into familiar ground? why is it so difficult to pen down my arguments? what went wrong somewhere exactly? what and why is this happening to me? this thesis, yes, it is going to my death knell. :-(

i had the sweetest dream ytd!

but now it's back to reality. ayez.

hahaha. your hand in mine and mine in yours. and there we standing, seeking Heaven's blessings. :-)

sometimes when u initiate a conversation with another.
it is not so much of the topics covered that matters.
but rather the knowledge tt u still hv a fren to speak with.
and to speak of deep issues at length.
and maybe bcos... people r no longer accustomed to talk abt their probs.

internal conversations
might sometimes be the most therapeutic.

i wish i can turn back the hands of time.
i really wondered what happened to me this sem.
i have not done anything constructive.
and now time is running out.

fieldwork in progress now.
as of now, i hv interviewed 3 PRC workers, 1 employer and 4 members of NGOs. it's just 10% of what i intended to start with! :-(

how how how?

2 x 8,000 word drafts to submit by end Jan. i am so totally screwed!

and what can be worse than reworking ur questions to find that the interviews done initially might all hv to be void?!?!

oh god. take a deep breath baby.