i wish i can turn back the hands of time.
i really wondered what happened to me this sem.
i have not done anything constructive.
and now time is running out.

fieldwork in progress now.
as of now, i hv interviewed 3 PRC workers, 1 employer and 4 members of NGOs. it's just 10% of what i intended to start with! :-(

how how how?

2 x 8,000 word drafts to submit by end Jan. i am so totally screwed!

and what can be worse than reworking ur questions to find that the interviews done initially might all hv to be void?!?!

oh god. take a deep breath baby.

If life is so bad, why can you not then just throw it away? Why do you have to keep holding on to it and suffer in silence? Why can't you just cast this life aside and start again somewhere else sometime later?

Some people say that you should try to speak your happiness into existence. By telling people you're happy, you're contented - you will eventually become happy and contented. But what sort of existence would that happiness and contentment be? Would it be in essence, or would it be in he contrived sense? If existence is contrived, can it even exist then?

The heart has been scarred many times. Some of them were slashes. Others were just minor cuts. And bruises. And still, the boy stands there adjusting his heart around to ensure the ugly wounds are hidden from sight. How much longer can he hold? He has cried so much his entire life that he has not a single drop of tear left in him.

...And the smile will do what the tears failed to do :-)

Being awake in the dead of the night allows you to confront difficulties, unattended feelings, and other miscellaneous stuff which you'd never be able to do during the day. Thoughts you'd never entertain, ideas you'd never even hv looked at. It is not because of the widely-accepted notion of the night being more conducive and allowing you to think better, clearer. It just liberates you from the straitjackets of everyday conformity and gives you the courage to explore boundaries which you'd never hv tried to during the day.

I happen to be the kind of person who believes that the people who attend my funeral should laugh. Play mahjong, play bridge, whatever. Perhaps I should make posters and have them plastered all over the parlour. After all, life and death are part and parcel of our existence in this world. It doesn't really matter that much. They are so intimately related actually. A perfectly healthy boy, bubbly and full of life, might just drop dead suddenly. Learn to be cool about it.

its a general state of unhappiness when everything seems to be marred by this sense of dissatisfaction and u cant seem to rid yourself of it. :-(

for once, i confess, i wish i had a girlfriend. it makes things less complicated. :-(

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

was glad to hv spoken to someone who made me see things from another perspective (finally!).

one of the things that has always been on my mind the past months is the possibility of doing a PhD after my masters (and trying means & ways to beg MOE to let me defer my bond). but now i am certain that it will not happen. if the PhD does happen, it will be after the bond. and if that happens, i am convinced that my experience at MOE will broaden my possibilities after the PhD too. :-)

right now i can only pray that my topic / idea remains safely guarded from the prying eyes of the academia, ready for me to take on (provided i wan to) in 5 years' time (including this second year of masters).

"u know what? the worst thing we can ever do in life is to regret our actions. we should always look ahead to the future because wat's done can never be undone."

i remember these words vividly because they were exactly wat i told a fren a few yrs back. it was a kind of dictum which i thought i shld live my life with. i still remember my smile back then as i spoke those words.

yet when i am stuck in the same sort of situation, i find those words so utterly useless. so utterly distant. somehow they don't seem to apply - theories, dictums, principles, ideologies, whatever u hv - they don't apply in real life. how much more resilient can i stay? masters din seem like a very good idea after all. masters in nus, singapore.

juz the other day, i was talking about dreams to a fren. i was quite forthcoming - i said i hated life in singapore. overcrowding was a huge factor. i can't seem to find a spot where i can be alone for long anymore. i was telling that fren how i longed to head over to the countryside in the uk, and get a little plot of land with a little cottage. i could hv my own garden where i could grow my vegetables. i could hv my little hens roosting around. i'd probably get two dogs - golden retrievers. if space permits, a cow as well. what a carefree life that would be! to be free from the pressure to excel. to be free from everything and anything. juz me, my cottage, my little farm, and my dreams. an idyllic lifestyle. i could sell newspapers, for all i care, in a little town nearby. as long as i earn enough to feed myself.

sometimes i just wish i was a little smarter. i wish i was a little more hardworking. i wish i was a little less lazy. my thoughts and ideas are stagnating, and that, i hv to admit, aint the best thing that can happen to a person who hopes to acheive something.

u spoke to me
u told me things
u made my mind go round n round
i'm so caught up with u

it's like u crept into my mind
unleashed ur sexiness
around my six senses
control has lost its grip on me
and i plunged in
without a care without worrying

or did i?
was i too cautious once again?
did rationality step in
and cast its lasso upon me?

i wish u missed u know
i wished u caught me.
but i wish u missed definitely
bcos all i want to do is to take dat plunge
into dat deep pool
of de unknown
of a territory unchartered
of a place unvisited

because u stole my heart
and i
gotta retrieve it back

I told my mum I hope that my cousin would be able to find her mother in the nether world. Hopefully my aunt-in-law would be able to take care of her and guide her towards enlightenment so that she would be a better person in her next life.

My mum replied that she might not even be able to find her mother; after all, she took her own life and she would have to be put through obstacles.

Sigh.

May the teachings of Lord Buddha guide her towards a brighter & better future. Farewell cousin, and till we meet again. :-) I will always remember your smile.

...And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together...

Your life is not just yours - it is the series of experiences & memories u've accumulated over time, which are also part of the series of experiences & memories others have accumulated. In other words your life is a part of others' lives. Taking away your own life equates to taking away a part of others' lives as well - which is probably the most selfish thing one can ever do.

Life is precious. Cherish it. Even if not for your own sake, please cherish it for others' sake.

oh.

i passed my graduate research seminar.
and i got an A for that global cities.

the sem has finally concluded. time to move on.

I AM SO DAMN FREAKING HAPPY BECAUSE I FINISHED MY MARKING AND THAT MEANS YEAR ONE SEMESTER TWO OF MY MASTERS' DEGREE IS OFFICIALLY OVER!
AFTER NINE 500-WORD, ONE 2000-WORD, ONE 6000-WORD, ONE 9000-WORD AND ONE 10,000-WORD PAPERS + TWO CONFERENCE AND ONE SEMINAR PRESENTATIONS + TWENTY FOUR HOURS OF TUTORIAL TEACHING, 220 MID-SEM TESTS AND 87 EXAM SCRIPTS OF MARKING, THIS HORRIBLE SEMESTER IS FINALLY OVER!!!

*DANCE*
*TAKE OFF CLOTHES*
*JUMP INTO THE DEEP BLUE SEA*

taiwan here i come!!!

i dun like the way i am feeling now & i know i shldn't be feeling this way but i can't help the way i am feeling.

words alone cannot express hw i feel. sigh!

this has been a bad mth.
twisted my ankle. rammed my index finger. jet-lagged. strained my muscles so much i can't even walk properly now. rammed my index toe. and now a stitched head.

血光之灾

will it get worse or will it all end here? will i even live past my 26th birthday?

negative energy at its max. dispel it, dispel it. it was already accumulating since sat when i realized there were no plans for my birthday again. i am so cheap. argh!

dispel the negative energy!!! stop sulking!!!

fwah! juz one presentation and one 20pg paper and i will be done for the sem!
fwed! jiayou!

(ok i forgot abt de exams BUT they're not really of any consequence ba)
(oh sheesh, and de marking! yucks!)

i think i tend to conflate things tgtr. afterall, i m a staunch believer of my own interdependency theory - that no one object / process can exist in isolation & independence. but my forte, i think, has always been zooming in on a particular issue and untangling it frm the web of mess it is stuck in, micro-analyzing & micro-managing.

i relish the blissful delightfulness, the rapturous ecstacy & sublime romanticism of being in love. yet i cringe, thinking of the social horrors that would probably envelope when the reality of that love sets in.

and my heart aches.

back from vegas. good trip - got feedback on my paper which excited me for a lil', roamed parts of de sin city (tho could hv done more), visited de grand canyon etc.

BUT

kinda depressed nw - yes it is the stoopid jetlag. i'm sleeping at irregular hrs, which affects my classes (i was spacing out during tracey's class on tue & nearly fell asleep while teaching on wed); i get easily worn out - couldn't even get past one pg of reading (which is bad considering i hv a class later in de afternoon & i hv not finished a single reading outta de 4 designated ones, let alone write my 500word response); i speak incoherently & i hv groggy headaches. ARGH. worst of all, i suspect a fever is brewing - vegas was really too heaty liao. oh i hv mild rashes too. goodness!

BUT again, on de bright side i hv completed:
1) 10,000 word paper for "mobility in asia pacific" conference
2) presentation for the above conference
3) presentation for the aag (similar to the previous one, but much more refining - & am glad dat i got useful tips frm JJ & lina!)
4) ALL changing landscapes tutorials
5) IRB clearance for my research

nw only a lil' more to chiong:
1) 7000 word paper with brenda. will hv to finish by sunday & send to her by hook or by crook.
2) ONE more weekly response for global cities.
3) 20pg lit review for global cities.
4) presentation for global cities. not too difficult, i think.
5) presentation for grs. basically almost similar to global cities, i wld say.
6) 2000 word paper for grs. not gonna spend too much time on it though. 3 days, max.
7) half de midterm tests for changing landscape to mark. i am left with about half of dat half.

dats it for updates! woohoo!

i saw some of the photos of my ex-classmates in NIE.

and i wonder if i'd hv been happier had i not chosen this route.
i'd definitely be happier with the NIE lot. b'cos sha's there. jelly's there. and aida. michelle. choonhon. and even faisal. ellis. sarah. shyuan. ain. rita. some of whom i wasn't very close with, but i suspect i'd be able to mingle ard n bond in time to come.

oh well.

at least in de midst of all these negativity, some happier things hv occurred. finally, i am on talking terms with my buddy again. in fact we're going hiking @ bukit timah this coming sat. with mr chong as well. feels like de good old days again. and i hope it is not a transient feeling.

jan is almost over. i finally plucked up enough courage to list down wat i hv to do this sem.

1. weekly responses to all de readings for global cities. 500 words.
2. 20pg lit review (or whatever paper u wana do) for global cities. dat is abt 5000-6000 words.
3. presentation for global cities. i duno on what yet.
4. 30% exam for global cities. damn. exam again! and it's a day after my bdae. fish!!!
5. presentation for grs.
6. paper for grs. 2000 words.
7. 3 fortnightly tuts for changing landscape.
8. half of de midterm tests for changing landscape to mark
9. presentation for mobility in asia pacific conference
10. 8000 word for de same bloody conference. why did i do it!?
11. presentation for aag. where i will be spending one wk in lasvegas - de city of sin.
12. 7000 word paper i am co-authoring with brenda. shitz. i haven done anything yet.

all in all, almost 27,000 words in a single sem.
and those r just de more official stuff. i hv other things pending - applications for irb clearance, for sponsorships etc. one of which has been freaking me out. and dr noor's surveys which she has paid me for. i cannot not do them. damn again.

another angsty post again. january is an angsty mth.

well. i am learning. to smile. every morning. de moment i wake up. it kinda worked for two days. de rationale is dat no matter hw bad ur day gets, at least at de end of it, u can proudly claim dat u smiled at least once. ok. it sounds stupid. try it. i think it works. at de moment.

anger knows no boundaries.
i scare even myself at times when i get angry & lose my temper.
for de past two days, i hv been so angry dat my tears evaporate de second they well in my eyes.

心中有佛

i need to restrain myself.
i can't control de words dat fly out of my mouth, especially the vulgarities.
and i hv a degree in spewing vulgarities.

阿弥陀佛

deep breath deep breath deep breath.

今天我想起了你，总共想了十二遍。
也不知道爱与不爱的差距，到底该怎么去衡量。
痛说不上痛，遗憾说不上遗憾，或许无法归类的感觉才是最可悲的。