no smoke. no drink. no company.
i need to just stop and let go.
of everything i am trying to hold on to now.
STOP!!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I feel so blessed... that it is beyond description.
This must be the first time I cried on my birthday.
May babies have usually been the ill-fated ones. The lucky ones suffer the fate of having post-birthday celebrations. The not-so-lucky ones suffer the fate of being forgotten. I must say I have been really lucky. I have been blessed with friends who remember. Although most of the celebrations have been post-birthday ones, they have been really good. There was the one with my primary school friends during my army days. That was memorable! And there was the one with the csc friends two years back (or was it three?). And last year's with the grad trip gang. And with the 4th mc at ubin - that was a surprise! I think I must count myself lucky to have had at least one memorable birthday celebration with each group of friends who matter.
This year my e4g7 aka hello family did it. the surprise was fun.! i got a bit worn out twds de end, trying to psycho myself tt laopa wasn't trying to do anything. who'd hv expected them to turn up at my doorstep.?! the fantabulous cake!!! and my geog hons friends. the cake was pure fun. and i love the present. i even feel guilty tt they spent so much on me. gosh. and my grad frens. foreign students. despite our differences, i'm glad we're a pretty close knitted bunch.
I am thankful for the pre-birthday celebrations. I know it probably won't happen again. I mean good things don't happen all the time right.? And I don't ask for more, really. I am cherishing every single good moment that has happened thus far. I'm honestly thankful for everything tt has happened. Argh. And I'm at a loss for words.
Life is good (discounting the thesis).
This must be the first time I cried on my birthday.
May babies have usually been the ill-fated ones. The lucky ones suffer the fate of having post-birthday celebrations. The not-so-lucky ones suffer the fate of being forgotten. I must say I have been really lucky. I have been blessed with friends who remember. Although most of the celebrations have been post-birthday ones, they have been really good. There was the one with my primary school friends during my army days. That was memorable! And there was the one with the csc friends two years back (or was it three?). And last year's with the grad trip gang. And with the 4th mc at ubin - that was a surprise! I think I must count myself lucky to have had at least one memorable birthday celebration with each group of friends who matter.
This year my e4g7 aka hello family did it. the surprise was fun.! i got a bit worn out twds de end, trying to psycho myself tt laopa wasn't trying to do anything. who'd hv expected them to turn up at my doorstep.?! the fantabulous cake!!! and my geog hons friends. the cake was pure fun. and i love the present. i even feel guilty tt they spent so much on me. gosh. and my grad frens. foreign students. despite our differences, i'm glad we're a pretty close knitted bunch.
I am thankful for the pre-birthday celebrations. I know it probably won't happen again. I mean good things don't happen all the time right.? And I don't ask for more, really. I am cherishing every single good moment that has happened thus far. I'm honestly thankful for everything tt has happened. Argh. And I'm at a loss for words.
Life is good (discounting the thesis).
Friday, April 30, 2010
it's either cry or smoke, or cry and smoke.
but... my eye glands have been locked up. there is this in-built mechanism developed over the years that doesn't allow me to cry as easily as i did in the past. and... i wan to smoke so badly. but there is yet another in-built mechanism (that's probably sado-masochistic in nature as well) that forbids me frm smoking in instances like these when i wan & need to smoke more than i feel like it.
why do i find myself treading back into familiar ground? why is it so difficult to pen down my arguments? what went wrong somewhere exactly? what and why is this happening to me? this thesis, yes, it is going to my death knell. :-(
but... my eye glands have been locked up. there is this in-built mechanism developed over the years that doesn't allow me to cry as easily as i did in the past. and... i wan to smoke so badly. but there is yet another in-built mechanism (that's probably sado-masochistic in nature as well) that forbids me frm smoking in instances like these when i wan & need to smoke more than i feel like it.
why do i find myself treading back into familiar ground? why is it so difficult to pen down my arguments? what went wrong somewhere exactly? what and why is this happening to me? this thesis, yes, it is going to my death knell. :-(
Friday, March 12, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
sometimes when u initiate a conversation with another.
it is not so much of the topics covered that matters.
but rather the knowledge tt u still hv a fren to speak with.
and to speak of deep issues at length.
and maybe bcos... people r no longer accustomed to talk abt their probs.
internal conversations
might sometimes be the most therapeutic.
it is not so much of the topics covered that matters.
but rather the knowledge tt u still hv a fren to speak with.
and to speak of deep issues at length.
and maybe bcos... people r no longer accustomed to talk abt their probs.
internal conversations
might sometimes be the most therapeutic.
Monday, December 21, 2009
i wish i can turn back the hands of time.
i really wondered what happened to me this sem.
i have not done anything constructive.
and now time is running out.
fieldwork in progress now.
as of now, i hv interviewed 3 PRC workers, 1 employer and 4 members of NGOs. it's just 10% of what i intended to start with! :-(
how how how?
2 x 8,000 word drafts to submit by end Jan. i am so totally screwed!
and what can be worse than reworking ur questions to find that the interviews done initially might all hv to be void?!?!
oh god. take a deep breath baby.
i really wondered what happened to me this sem.
i have not done anything constructive.
and now time is running out.
fieldwork in progress now.
as of now, i hv interviewed 3 PRC workers, 1 employer and 4 members of NGOs. it's just 10% of what i intended to start with! :-(
how how how?
2 x 8,000 word drafts to submit by end Jan. i am so totally screwed!
and what can be worse than reworking ur questions to find that the interviews done initially might all hv to be void?!?!
oh god. take a deep breath baby.
Friday, November 13, 2009
If life is so bad, why can you not then just throw it away? Why do you have to keep holding on to it and suffer in silence? Why can't you just cast this life aside and start again somewhere else sometime later?
Some people say that you should try to speak your happiness into existence. By telling people you're happy, you're contented - you will eventually become happy and contented. But what sort of existence would that happiness and contentment be? Would it be in essence, or would it be in he contrived sense? If existence is contrived, can it even exist then?
Some people say that you should try to speak your happiness into existence. By telling people you're happy, you're contented - you will eventually become happy and contented. But what sort of existence would that happiness and contentment be? Would it be in essence, or would it be in he contrived sense? If existence is contrived, can it even exist then?
Monday, November 9, 2009
The heart has been scarred many times. Some of them were slashes. Others were just minor cuts. And bruises. And still, the boy stands there adjusting his heart around to ensure the ugly wounds are hidden from sight. How much longer can he hold? He has cried so much his entire life that he has not a single drop of tear left in him.
...And the smile will do what the tears failed to do :-)
...And the smile will do what the tears failed to do :-)
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Being awake in the dead of the night allows you to confront difficulties, unattended feelings, and other miscellaneous stuff which you'd never be able to do during the day. Thoughts you'd never entertain, ideas you'd never even hv looked at. It is not because of the widely-accepted notion of the night being more conducive and allowing you to think better, clearer. It just liberates you from the straitjackets of everyday conformity and gives you the courage to explore boundaries which you'd never hv tried to during the day.
I happen to be the kind of person who believes that the people who attend my funeral should laugh. Play mahjong, play bridge, whatever. Perhaps I should make posters and have them plastered all over the parlour. After all, life and death are part and parcel of our existence in this world. It doesn't really matter that much. They are so intimately related actually. A perfectly healthy boy, bubbly and full of life, might just drop dead suddenly. Learn to be cool about it.
I happen to be the kind of person who believes that the people who attend my funeral should laugh. Play mahjong, play bridge, whatever. Perhaps I should make posters and have them plastered all over the parlour. After all, life and death are part and parcel of our existence in this world. It doesn't really matter that much. They are so intimately related actually. A perfectly healthy boy, bubbly and full of life, might just drop dead suddenly. Learn to be cool about it.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
was glad to hv spoken to someone who made me see things from another perspective (finally!).
one of the things that has always been on my mind the past months is the possibility of doing a PhD after my masters (and trying means & ways to beg MOE to let me defer my bond). but now i am certain that it will not happen. if the PhD does happen, it will be after the bond. and if that happens, i am convinced that my experience at MOE will broaden my possibilities after the PhD too. :-)
right now i can only pray that my topic / idea remains safely guarded from the prying eyes of the academia, ready for me to take on (provided i wan to) in 5 years' time (including this second year of masters).
one of the things that has always been on my mind the past months is the possibility of doing a PhD after my masters (and trying means & ways to beg MOE to let me defer my bond). but now i am certain that it will not happen. if the PhD does happen, it will be after the bond. and if that happens, i am convinced that my experience at MOE will broaden my possibilities after the PhD too. :-)
right now i can only pray that my topic / idea remains safely guarded from the prying eyes of the academia, ready for me to take on (provided i wan to) in 5 years' time (including this second year of masters).
Friday, September 11, 2009
"u know what? the worst thing we can ever do in life is to regret our actions. we should always look ahead to the future because wat's done can never be undone."
i remember these words vividly because they were exactly wat i told a fren a few yrs back. it was a kind of dictum which i thought i shld live my life with. i still remember my smile back then as i spoke those words.
yet when i am stuck in the same sort of situation, i find those words so utterly useless. so utterly distant. somehow they don't seem to apply - theories, dictums, principles, ideologies, whatever u hv - they don't apply in real life. how much more resilient can i stay? masters din seem like a very good idea after all. masters in nus, singapore.
juz the other day, i was talking about dreams to a fren. i was quite forthcoming - i said i hated life in singapore. overcrowding was a huge factor. i can't seem to find a spot where i can be alone for long anymore. i was telling that fren how i longed to head over to the countryside in the uk, and get a little plot of land with a little cottage. i could hv my own garden where i could grow my vegetables. i could hv my little hens roosting around. i'd probably get two dogs - golden retrievers. if space permits, a cow as well. what a carefree life that would be! to be free from the pressure to excel. to be free from everything and anything. juz me, my cottage, my little farm, and my dreams. an idyllic lifestyle. i could sell newspapers, for all i care, in a little town nearby. as long as i earn enough to feed myself.
sometimes i just wish i was a little smarter. i wish i was a little more hardworking. i wish i was a little less lazy. my thoughts and ideas are stagnating, and that, i hv to admit, aint the best thing that can happen to a person who hopes to acheive something.
i remember these words vividly because they were exactly wat i told a fren a few yrs back. it was a kind of dictum which i thought i shld live my life with. i still remember my smile back then as i spoke those words.
yet when i am stuck in the same sort of situation, i find those words so utterly useless. so utterly distant. somehow they don't seem to apply - theories, dictums, principles, ideologies, whatever u hv - they don't apply in real life. how much more resilient can i stay? masters din seem like a very good idea after all. masters in nus, singapore.
juz the other day, i was talking about dreams to a fren. i was quite forthcoming - i said i hated life in singapore. overcrowding was a huge factor. i can't seem to find a spot where i can be alone for long anymore. i was telling that fren how i longed to head over to the countryside in the uk, and get a little plot of land with a little cottage. i could hv my own garden where i could grow my vegetables. i could hv my little hens roosting around. i'd probably get two dogs - golden retrievers. if space permits, a cow as well. what a carefree life that would be! to be free from the pressure to excel. to be free from everything and anything. juz me, my cottage, my little farm, and my dreams. an idyllic lifestyle. i could sell newspapers, for all i care, in a little town nearby. as long as i earn enough to feed myself.
sometimes i just wish i was a little smarter. i wish i was a little more hardworking. i wish i was a little less lazy. my thoughts and ideas are stagnating, and that, i hv to admit, aint the best thing that can happen to a person who hopes to acheive something.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
u spoke to me
u told me things
u made my mind go round n round
i'm so caught up with u
it's like u crept into my mind
unleashed ur sexiness
around my six senses
control has lost its grip on me
and i plunged in
without a care without worrying
or did i?
was i too cautious once again?
did rationality step in
and cast its lasso upon me?
i wish u missed u know
i wished u caught me.
but i wish u missed definitely
bcos all i want to do is to take dat plunge
into dat deep pool
of de unknown
of a territory unchartered
of a place unvisited
because u stole my heart
and i
gotta retrieve it back
u told me things
u made my mind go round n round
i'm so caught up with u
it's like u crept into my mind
unleashed ur sexiness
around my six senses
control has lost its grip on me
and i plunged in
without a care without worrying
or did i?
was i too cautious once again?
did rationality step in
and cast its lasso upon me?
i wish u missed u know
i wished u caught me.
but i wish u missed definitely
bcos all i want to do is to take dat plunge
into dat deep pool
of de unknown
of a territory unchartered
of a place unvisited
because u stole my heart
and i
gotta retrieve it back
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I told my mum I hope that my cousin would be able to find her mother in the nether world. Hopefully my aunt-in-law would be able to take care of her and guide her towards enlightenment so that she would be a better person in her next life.
My mum replied that she might not even be able to find her mother; after all, she took her own life and she would have to be put through obstacles.
Sigh.
May the teachings of Lord Buddha guide her towards a brighter & better future. Farewell cousin, and till we meet again. :-) I will always remember your smile.
My mum replied that she might not even be able to find her mother; after all, she took her own life and she would have to be put through obstacles.
Sigh.
May the teachings of Lord Buddha guide her towards a brighter & better future. Farewell cousin, and till we meet again. :-) I will always remember your smile.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
...And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together...
Your life is not just yours - it is the series of experiences & memories u've accumulated over time, which are also part of the series of experiences & memories others have accumulated. In other words your life is a part of others' lives. Taking away your own life equates to taking away a part of others' lives as well - which is probably the most selfish thing one can ever do.
Life is precious. Cherish it. Even if not for your own sake, please cherish it for others' sake.
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together...
Your life is not just yours - it is the series of experiences & memories u've accumulated over time, which are also part of the series of experiences & memories others have accumulated. In other words your life is a part of others' lives. Taking away your own life equates to taking away a part of others' lives as well - which is probably the most selfish thing one can ever do.
Life is precious. Cherish it. Even if not for your own sake, please cherish it for others' sake.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
I AM SO DAMN FREAKING HAPPY BECAUSE I FINISHED MY MARKING AND THAT MEANS YEAR ONE SEMESTER TWO OF MY MASTERS' DEGREE IS OFFICIALLY OVER!
AFTER NINE 500-WORD, ONE 2000-WORD, ONE 6000-WORD, ONE 9000-WORD AND ONE 10,000-WORD PAPERS + TWO CONFERENCE AND ONE SEMINAR PRESENTATIONS + TWENTY FOUR HOURS OF TUTORIAL TEACHING, 220 MID-SEM TESTS AND 87 EXAM SCRIPTS OF MARKING, THIS HORRIBLE SEMESTER IS FINALLY OVER!!!
*DANCE*
*TAKE OFF CLOTHES*
*JUMP INTO THE DEEP BLUE SEA*
taiwan here i come!!!
AFTER NINE 500-WORD, ONE 2000-WORD, ONE 6000-WORD, ONE 9000-WORD AND ONE 10,000-WORD PAPERS + TWO CONFERENCE AND ONE SEMINAR PRESENTATIONS + TWENTY FOUR HOURS OF TUTORIAL TEACHING, 220 MID-SEM TESTS AND 87 EXAM SCRIPTS OF MARKING, THIS HORRIBLE SEMESTER IS FINALLY OVER!!!
*DANCE*
*TAKE OFF CLOTHES*
*JUMP INTO THE DEEP BLUE SEA*
taiwan here i come!!!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
this has been a bad mth.
twisted my ankle. rammed my index finger. jet-lagged. strained my muscles so much i can't even walk properly now. rammed my index toe. and now a stitched head.
血光之灾
will it get worse or will it all end here? will i even live past my 26th birthday?
negative energy at its max. dispel it, dispel it. it was already accumulating since sat when i realized there were no plans for my birthday again. i am so cheap. argh!
dispel the negative energy!!! stop sulking!!!
twisted my ankle. rammed my index finger. jet-lagged. strained my muscles so much i can't even walk properly now. rammed my index toe. and now a stitched head.
血光之灾
will it get worse or will it all end here? will i even live past my 26th birthday?
negative energy at its max. dispel it, dispel it. it was already accumulating since sat when i realized there were no plans for my birthday again. i am so cheap. argh!
dispel the negative energy!!! stop sulking!!!
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