quick updates on life iii + ramblings

haven done this in a while but i'll try my best, so here goes:

did 2 mods. passed! A- for both. not bad siah. haha. i was expecting B/B+ de. esp geog n social theory. de final research paper i got A wor! haha, so proud of myself.

did ta duties. enjoyed it. i think i'm more prepared for de coming sem (i hope). looking fwd to de reviews! i m a strict proj marker, but v.lenient exam marker. i tink who kena me v.heng loh, for exams. :-) wun do too badly de, although, also wun get A+ lah. haha. proj-wise had an unhappi experience. but well. it's over. no point thinking abt it.

met brenda. our paper might be published. woohoo. hv to refine it. i haven done anything abt it yet though. haha. i discussed stuff with her too - i think i kinda know where i am gg (or perhaps i dun). veri lost when it comes to mt nw. i tink de prob facing most of de others is veri different frm mine. cos my mt is a continuation of my ht. but i scared my mt still stuck in de shadow of my ht. it's quite hard to relate my prob to others cos i tink no one understands. & den at times when i tink abt stuff on public space, i realize dat maybe de whole notion of public space doesn't exist in singapore. wat is public is veri debatable in singapore. hw it is shaped by politics, policies, social norms etc. dat is de tricky part. & cosmopolitanism. geog is so behind when it comes to discussing abt cosmopolitanism. pple in sociology, political sci etc hv been theorizing abt it for ages. wat else can geog add to de development of de theory, other den grounding it? so u nid to noe abt geographic thought, geographic perspective. but wat is dat? spatial thinking? spatial perspective? is all these work on cosmopolitanism even relevant? it's all high level theorizing, but hw do we manifest it exactly on de ground? wat is de future of cosmopolitanism? hw does it work / fit into de asian contxt?

ok i am lost. i was s'posed to do an update. guess this is all. everything is floating in my head.

oh. and i will be heading to las vegas nxt mar. it's official. anyone wans to accompany me? i prefer guy, den can share room, cos currently i got no roommate. got one, but she's a girl. i am shy. haha.

oh. and mt got alota time to think n do anything n everything other den wat u're s'posed to do. i wan to check in to a monastry n learn more abt buddhist teachings. i feel so __________ (can't find de word to describe). i wan to move out, hv my own little pad. just a simple one. someone, help me!

lastly happy new year everyone.

let me.

pls navigate away if u cannot stand vulgarities.

fuck. desktop monitor gone. heng got old one, still can use. reformat desktop, as advised by de technician. was ok. until nw. 3 days later. kena stop error again. fucking hell. nw manage to come in. but duno hw perenial dat fucking problem will be again. damn.

fuck again. laptop speaker spoil. i am quite sure dat is de case bcos when i plug my earphone i can listen! i can plug an external speaker in i tink. but wth. de service pple in hp request dat i do recovery etc, check here check there. damnit. den now. they wan me to reformat my freaking laptop. fuck lah. isn't it straightforward, dat my speaker is spoilt, and shldn't they bring it back to change my speaker instead. fuck fuck fuck. maybe i shld've asserted my stand. reformat liao, damn bloody sianz. hv to update this update dat. wtf.

fuck one last time. fucking weekend. smtimes i wish i was alone. no family. no friends. let me go n wander ard. be a loner. a lone traveller. whether i sleep on de street or i hv aids or i take drugs etc, i wun hv to bother anyone. and no one can come n bother me. fuck fuck fuck. let me. fuck!!!

smtimes u might feel like screaming, baring your heart out to an audience who'd just sit back n listen n understand.

but hv u ever wondered if such an audience existed in the first place?

and... hv u ever wondered what happens if those secrets which u hv kept close to ur heart leaked out as a result of dat urge for ventilation?

u can nvr underestimate the depth of de hurt which these secrets can cost u.

been on a sleeping rampage. it's just madness. and i dreamt...
of fantasies dat'll always remain as fantasies.
of hopes dat'll always remain as hopes.
of fears dat'll always remain as fears.
of dreams dat'll always remain as dreams.

smtimes dreams become so vivd dat u confuse them with reality. prophecies maybe? one of de most incomprehensible moments came when i almost called my phy geog fren to consult her on water bodies bcos i dreamt dat i had to present a paper on water bodies.

dear frens.

i know i m very childish. but i really cannot take it anymore. i need your help.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=be_t20-KWe8

there's this guy universalsongster who condemned my idol, just bcos i was criticizing regine for her singing. i couldn't take it and ended up hvg a really long debate with him.

i nid your help, pls leave some comments, either in my favour, or neutral like wat rise17 and issei10 has done. and flag my comments up n flag universal's down.

i noe this is childish. but but but. sandy is my idol. my childhood idol. and he is obviously so engrossed in his own filipino world. equates filipino to asia. or damnit.

tis is de first time i get so perplexed over an argument in youtube - i did bicker with people before on mariah videos and what not, but yah, this is de first time. and it hits even closer to home cos its sandylam, and de chinese-pop world, and us chinese / asians other than filipinos for dat matter.

i sincerely make an appeal to u guys n girls (i noe its not a lot - my blog has been pretty pte) to help me out. pls. :-)

I heart Sandy Lam.
as i was telling bestest, i can now die without regrets.

all de unhappiness has dispelled momentarily.
thank u bestest!

de research paper dat tracey has set for us is pure madness. i kinda know where i m gg, & wat i m arguing abt, but it seems to be based on wat i tink, rather than wat i know. my reading & digesting speed is way too slow - things onli make sense to me after a very long deliberation. maybe i m stupid. watever it is, it has taken a toll on me, just trying to figure out wat tracey wants & hw my paper shld flow. sigh. and i hv to head back to writing a rationale for my choice of focus for de paper. which is another headache, hvg to justify wat u r doing. faint.

on another note, another thing dat pisses me off is people who hv no stand - they sit on de fence all de time, well almost. these people are just abhorrent. u might as well just die - ur life serves no purpose. and often these people are cowards. and selfish. argh. dun get me wrong - i m ok with sitting on de fence sometimes, occasionally, but not all de time. dats absolutely disgusting.

on yet another note, my friends couldn't stand my accent. i think it's bcos i hv talking dat way de entire day before i met them. oh well. people change. i might become a murderer tmr. dun trust me.

one last note. much as i claim to loathe the academia, i wonder if i will make a return in future. i must say dat despite de stress, i enjoy de perks of getting to jet ard de globe, meeting people from all over de world, observing them especially, and learning. and ur research actually validates ur existence, u noe. oh well.

quick updates on life ii

wk4: got reaction paper back. bad grade. started on new bk "using social theory" - more prescriptive therefore easier to read. had tut - wasn't fantastic & spent a while reproaching my mthds. spent time at wedding. faint.

wk5: did research ppt. wasn't too bad. but lecturer's feedback was that i spoke too fast at times, hence she couldn't catch parts of wat i was saying. attended conference - cool but no papers were given, damnit. and to tink i paid damn $50! and received news dat prof din finish de paper. took over to write de entire paper. i couldn't understand her part at all. so i left it out. passed it back to her. din get to do my reaction paper. i even prepared my resources!

wk6: started to fall sick. even more last min work on paper. irritated to de max with frens whose first comments when hearing dat u are sick is "why u always sick ah?", "u always sick one!" etc. fuck man. as if i wanted?! u dun even appreciate de fact dat i made it for a freaking dinner when i very well coulda juz walked off. hello? i am not obliged to attend outings ok? i am even more NOT obliged to attend outings when i am not feeling well.

recess wk: got better, then worse. managed to recover in time for de workshop. had a good time (thank goodness!). BUT fell sick immed after. forced myself out to meet some other frens, regretted as soon as we left.

an ending note:
i am not obliged, i repeat, to attend outings. neither am i obliged to ur scrutiny. do not expect me to pander to all ur requests - i hate, and i repeat, i hate, hvg to report to someone my every move and action every other hr of de day. i cherish my freedom, i cherish my independence. i hate to be pushed, de more u push me, de more i will rebel, and de frenship will cease sooner or later. give me my space.

people fear uncertainty.
if uncertainty is in fact a form of certainty, then why do people still fear it?

:-)

i'm happy. bcos i am almost no longer sick, i think. almost fully recovered.
i'm happy. bcos the tough times that i am going thru will make me a better man.
i'm happy. bcos of a certain someone who is coming to town, and with whom i am gg to meet soon.

:-p

i can't fathom my existence in nus. research is such a complex thing - it's almost as if i am trying to make sense of a mess. is dat wat life is supposed to be - a mess too?

on a brighter note:
Fred, C.M. ONG is a Masters student and a research scholar majoring in Geography in the National University of Singapore (NUS). He was a recipient of the Singapore Journal of Tropical Geography Book Prize in 2007. He is interested in a wide array of topics including the politics of space, migration in Asian cities, cosmopolitan urbanism, issues of ethnicity and nationality and tourism geographies. Currently his research focuses on debates on public space, low-skilled migrant workers and cosmopolitan urbanism. More specifically he is investigating the attitudes and competencies of Singaporeans towards male migrant workers congregating within public spaces that have not been traditionally regarded as gathering places for these workers, and examining how these spatial perspectives relate to developments within cosmopolitanism studies.

oh. and i am still stuck with the paper. i am so gonna die.
well well. but even if i die, i wan to die with a smile. :-)

ur bf/gf doesn't like pple to be late. so u make a conscious effort nvr to be late for ur dates. bcos u love him or her.

ur parents dun like u to go home late. do u make a conscious effort not to go home late, or do u justify ur going home late with reasons like "i need to send dear home", "i need to catch up with my friends -very long nvr meet liao leh"?
do u love ur parents?

*** ***

if a person's actions go against ur principles, u de-friend him/her.
if a person does something that is in accordance to ur principles, do u den friend him/her?

quick update on my life

wk1: did half de readings for wk2 seminar. cleared abit of admin stuff.

wk2: rushed a reaction paper for wk3 seminar, hence finished only 1 reading. behind time by alot. met BY n discussed some thesis n ism issues. slacked some more. rushed out abstract for BY - oh n i m co-presenting a paper with her for conference! cool!

wk3: prep de snacks for seminar! behind time still, n haven caught up! elections coming up, entire wkend burnt. juz finished tut for changing landscapes. hv to finish my part of de co-paper by fri! omg!!!

frenships r not static. they change.

i used to trust a fren. now i hv second thoughts talking to him, ever since an incident happened two mths back. it is very sad. i treasure de frenship, i realli do. but his actions - alota them lately - hv signaled to me one thing: i dun tink i can trust him as much as i did. i wish this wasn't happening, but it is.

u can be very close to certain people at certain junctures of ur life. yet u will drift away, no matter wat. so, as someone was sharing with me, perhaps we shld always maintain a comfortable distance from others. but i thought good frens hv no distance de? perhaps my conception of frens has always been wrong.

de world is selfish - it is, by nature. selfishness should not be seen as a flaw. it juz means dat u r beng natural.

This week is going to be one of the most productive weeks since the holidays commenced! I am attending a conference on return migration in Asia. I will be meeting my supervisor finally to bounce some ideas off, and to guage roughly how I am going to make full use of these two years left. These will probably my final years of studying, and of research, because I don't think I will be pursuing my PHD after completing my bond. Four years is a long time in the academia, and a lot of developments could have taken place in your absence! I wouldn't want to have to pick up everything all over again! But then again, who knows? Nothing is for sure in this world!

Life after commencement has been good. Going out sporadically, spending time at home, slacking. I keep telling myself I deserve this. Ever since Year 1 when I joined CSC, I have never had a holiday like this. My first Dec holidays was spent on CSC Day 2005; subsequent ones involved 4th MC duties (VAT & CSC Chalet) and then SLP 2007 & 2008 preparations + thesis preparation). My May - July holidays have always been dedicated to Ethelonter (II, III & IV) and for the last May - July holidays, I attended a Field Studies module, joined GAW 2007 on top of supervising Ethelonter IV. By the time I handed in my thesis on 14th April 2008, I realli realli felt the urge to just relax and enjoy life. And I am glad I did. It seemed to have made me a better person. :-)

Let this be a good week, concluding with a photoshoot with a few of my CSC friends and possibly a visit to Singfest 2008 (I'm really tempted to go!)!

此刻的我，可以说很快乐。
既然这股快乐很有可能就如流星般地划过我身边，但我还是很享受。
因为如此的快乐可不是每天所能遇见的。
而这种快乐也很有可能明早起来就蒸发掉了。
甜甜的，犹如蜜糖, 却一点也不腻。

谢谢当事人让我那么开心。
简直就是心花怒放！

i graduated.

alota words. alota thoughts. but i just can't pen them down. they keep buzzing ard, always outta reach.

thanks to geog hons class 07/08. u've all been a wonderful bunch. and those frens who bothered to call / sms / come down. appreciate it frm e bottom of my heart.

for those who've been wondering: i've finally been granted de bond suspension to continue my masters! after so many mths of waiting!

i nid to learn how to manage my anger better.

why am i losing control of my feelings time and again.?

i am feeling everything negative. nothing positive seems to be happening. i realli feel like i shld check myself into a monastry. and start studying de teachings of Buddha. and practise them. i am so ashamed to call myself a Buddhist.

i must rmbr all worldly desires r transient. and it includes frenship.

当你伤心到彻底，你会怎么办呢？

最要好的死党所做的事情真是让你太过伤心了...
伤心到某种想让你完全地把这段友谊放弃掉的地步，真是好辛酸啊...

有些事情真得不能说，真的。

而最可悲的是，你想找一个真正能倾诉的对象，却发现自己的朋友其实少得可怜。

周杰倫 - 我不配

i loved this song de moment i heard it on jay's album. and it is de highest played chinese song on my itunes now. it was juz another song i liked frm jay. another of those i can play on n on n nvr get sick of.

but tdy while k-ing this song, i felt a lump in my throat. i connected wid de song on a lvl i nvr thought i wld. it was as if i wrote de song.

there is de urge to just break down n cry. but it is still after all, an urge. no breaking down, no crying.

life goes on.

it is completed finally. handed in. no more editing allowed.

my hands r shaking as i type this wif my entire body shivering. it has been such an experience the past few days that i can barely find the words to say what i want to say. no tears, no depression, no joy, no relief, no anger, no regret, no sadness. i feel void of emotions suddenly. so unlike me. wat happened? i dun know hw i feel really. and this is rare.

just want to thank some people who've been of help these past few weeks. jess has been an incredibly indispensble gem - thanks for sticking by to help out with the referencing and all the last min administrative stuff. my thesis doesn't feel like my own - it's like a shared proj. thanks for proofreading, for commenting earlier drafts etc. i cant thank u enough.

and there is ling. thanks, today, when i asked for help - u immediately agreed with no hesitation. despite ur lack of technical know-how. despite hvg ur own thesis to deal with. thanks for fighting this last academic battle with me, fren.

steph. for de company on msn de past 2 nights. for helping out de content pg at de computer lab. basically i wasn't even worried at all, nor panicking, bcos all of u were panicking for me! yup, and de thanks is extended to leon. shyuan. adrainC. all who helped. i realli can't thank u all enough.

i was prevented a subgrade deduction bcos of these wonderful people. thanks once again.

and tomorrow. i will decide if this thesis is the last one i am ever going to write within these couple of years. before that, back to my bed - haven't been sleeping well for a long time. one more cultural assignment n i will be free (for the time being)!

i wonder whether i should start blogging all over again? the way i used to. or should i just have an address where i sporadically spew things? like the way this is now.

having loads of problems with my thesis - so much that i dun even wanna talk abt it.

many people in my class have been doing a lot of emo stuff so much so that it turns me off. maybe it's bcos i am not very much into my class either. i miss my csc frenz. i am thankful n grateful to my buddy for initiating a grad trip, n it's gratifying to see everything falling into place nw. although de places aint really where i wan to go, but i guess ultimately de frenz make up for it. u've been thru 4 years tgtr. dat is incredible. who says u cant find real frenz in uni? i did.

of cos, i appreciate my grpmates in my class as well. they anchor me to de class, otherwise i might hv quit de class eons ago. i've learnt to treasure frenz better these 4 years (i hope), esp in de past half a yr. those who'll always ans ur smses n ur calls at de weirdest times. those who'll drop an sms to find out hw u've been. those whom u can strike a decent conversation with, no matter hw long u haven met up. i wish i was gg on de grad trip wid my grp. they've stuck through thick n thin with me in my most academically challenged semester. dat almost feels like i was balancing 2 SPs - a throwback to yr3 sem2.

now all i need is a person to enter my life.

solitude brings u peace.

i woke up especially early today - trying to hv a change of schedule in my life so dat, who knows i might get dat divine stroke of genius to pull me through!

i like the feeling i had when i was in thailand. living life alone, enjoying it, being in control of a situation, being in control of my life. maybe really, it is bcos i dun get to be myself in singapore. living up to expectations? hw do these expectations arise in de first place? and life for one, is never abt de expected, but rather de unexpected.