its a general state of unhappiness when everything seems to be marred by this sense of dissatisfaction and u cant seem to rid yourself of it. :-(

for once, i confess, i wish i had a girlfriend. it makes things less complicated. :-(

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

was glad to hv spoken to someone who made me see things from another perspective (finally!).

one of the things that has always been on my mind the past months is the possibility of doing a PhD after my masters (and trying means & ways to beg MOE to let me defer my bond). but now i am certain that it will not happen. if the PhD does happen, it will be after the bond. and if that happens, i am convinced that my experience at MOE will broaden my possibilities after the PhD too. :-)

right now i can only pray that my topic / idea remains safely guarded from the prying eyes of the academia, ready for me to take on (provided i wan to) in 5 years' time (including this second year of masters).

"u know what? the worst thing we can ever do in life is to regret our actions. we should always look ahead to the future because wat's done can never be undone."

i remember these words vividly because they were exactly wat i told a fren a few yrs back. it was a kind of dictum which i thought i shld live my life with. i still remember my smile back then as i spoke those words.

yet when i am stuck in the same sort of situation, i find those words so utterly useless. so utterly distant. somehow they don't seem to apply - theories, dictums, principles, ideologies, whatever u hv - they don't apply in real life. how much more resilient can i stay? masters din seem like a very good idea after all. masters in nus, singapore.

juz the other day, i was talking about dreams to a fren. i was quite forthcoming - i said i hated life in singapore. overcrowding was a huge factor. i can't seem to find a spot where i can be alone for long anymore. i was telling that fren how i longed to head over to the countryside in the uk, and get a little plot of land with a little cottage. i could hv my own garden where i could grow my vegetables. i could hv my little hens roosting around. i'd probably get two dogs - golden retrievers. if space permits, a cow as well. what a carefree life that would be! to be free from the pressure to excel. to be free from everything and anything. juz me, my cottage, my little farm, and my dreams. an idyllic lifestyle. i could sell newspapers, for all i care, in a little town nearby. as long as i earn enough to feed myself.

sometimes i just wish i was a little smarter. i wish i was a little more hardworking. i wish i was a little less lazy. my thoughts and ideas are stagnating, and that, i hv to admit, aint the best thing that can happen to a person who hopes to acheive something.

u spoke to me
u told me things
u made my mind go round n round
i'm so caught up with u

it's like u crept into my mind
unleashed ur sexiness
around my six senses
control has lost its grip on me
and i plunged in
without a care without worrying

or did i?
was i too cautious once again?
did rationality step in
and cast its lasso upon me?

i wish u missed u know
i wished u caught me.
but i wish u missed definitely
bcos all i want to do is to take dat plunge
into dat deep pool
of de unknown
of a territory unchartered
of a place unvisited

because u stole my heart
and i
gotta retrieve it back

I told my mum I hope that my cousin would be able to find her mother in the nether world. Hopefully my aunt-in-law would be able to take care of her and guide her towards enlightenment so that she would be a better person in her next life.

My mum replied that she might not even be able to find her mother; after all, she took her own life and she would have to be put through obstacles.

Sigh.

May the teachings of Lord Buddha guide her towards a brighter & better future. Farewell cousin, and till we meet again. :-) I will always remember your smile.

...And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together...

Your life is not just yours - it is the series of experiences & memories u've accumulated over time, which are also part of the series of experiences & memories others have accumulated. In other words your life is a part of others' lives. Taking away your own life equates to taking away a part of others' lives as well - which is probably the most selfish thing one can ever do.

Life is precious. Cherish it. Even if not for your own sake, please cherish it for others' sake.

oh.

i passed my graduate research seminar.
and i got an A for that global cities.

the sem has finally concluded. time to move on.