jan is almost over. i finally plucked up enough courage to list down wat i hv to do this sem.

1. weekly responses to all de readings for global cities. 500 words.
2. 20pg lit review (or whatever paper u wana do) for global cities. dat is abt 5000-6000 words.
3. presentation for global cities. i duno on what yet.
4. 30% exam for global cities. damn. exam again! and it's a day after my bdae. fish!!!
5. presentation for grs.
6. paper for grs. 2000 words.
7. 3 fortnightly tuts for changing landscape.
8. half of de midterm tests for changing landscape to mark
9. presentation for mobility in asia pacific conference
10. 8000 word for de same bloody conference. why did i do it!?
11. presentation for aag. where i will be spending one wk in lasvegas - de city of sin.
12. 7000 word paper i am co-authoring with brenda. shitz. i haven done anything yet.

all in all, almost 27,000 words in a single sem.
and those r just de more official stuff. i hv other things pending - applications for irb clearance, for sponsorships etc. one of which has been freaking me out. and dr noor's surveys which she has paid me for. i cannot not do them. damn again.

another angsty post again. january is an angsty mth.

well. i am learning. to smile. every morning. de moment i wake up. it kinda worked for two days. de rationale is dat no matter hw bad ur day gets, at least at de end of it, u can proudly claim dat u smiled at least once. ok. it sounds stupid. try it. i think it works. at de moment.

anger knows no boundaries.
i scare even myself at times when i get angry & lose my temper.
for de past two days, i hv been so angry dat my tears evaporate de second they well in my eyes.

心中有佛

i need to restrain myself.
i can't control de words dat fly out of my mouth, especially the vulgarities.
and i hv a degree in spewing vulgarities.

阿弥陀佛

deep breath deep breath deep breath.

今天我想起了你，总共想了十二遍。
也不知道爱与不爱的差距，到底该怎么去衡量。
痛说不上痛，遗憾说不上遗憾，或许无法归类的感觉才是最可悲的。

quick updates on life iii + ramblings

haven done this in a while but i'll try my best, so here goes:

did 2 mods. passed! A- for both. not bad siah. haha. i was expecting B/B+ de. esp geog n social theory. de final research paper i got A wor! haha, so proud of myself.

did ta duties. enjoyed it. i think i'm more prepared for de coming sem (i hope). looking fwd to de reviews! i m a strict proj marker, but v.lenient exam marker. i tink who kena me v.heng loh, for exams. :-) wun do too badly de, although, also wun get A+ lah. haha. proj-wise had an unhappi experience. but well. it's over. no point thinking abt it.

met brenda. our paper might be published. woohoo. hv to refine it. i haven done anything abt it yet though. haha. i discussed stuff with her too - i think i kinda know where i am gg (or perhaps i dun). veri lost when it comes to mt nw. i tink de prob facing most of de others is veri different frm mine. cos my mt is a continuation of my ht. but i scared my mt still stuck in de shadow of my ht. it's quite hard to relate my prob to others cos i tink no one understands. & den at times when i tink abt stuff on public space, i realize dat maybe de whole notion of public space doesn't exist in singapore. wat is public is veri debatable in singapore. hw it is shaped by politics, policies, social norms etc. dat is de tricky part. & cosmopolitanism. geog is so behind when it comes to discussing abt cosmopolitanism. pple in sociology, political sci etc hv been theorizing abt it for ages. wat else can geog add to de development of de theory, other den grounding it? so u nid to noe abt geographic thought, geographic perspective. but wat is dat? spatial thinking? spatial perspective? is all these work on cosmopolitanism even relevant? it's all high level theorizing, but hw do we manifest it exactly on de ground? wat is de future of cosmopolitanism? hw does it work / fit into de asian contxt?

ok i am lost. i was s'posed to do an update. guess this is all. everything is floating in my head.

oh. and i will be heading to las vegas nxt mar. it's official. anyone wans to accompany me? i prefer guy, den can share room, cos currently i got no roommate. got one, but she's a girl. i am shy. haha.

oh. and mt got alota time to think n do anything n everything other den wat u're s'posed to do. i wan to check in to a monastry n learn more abt buddhist teachings. i feel so __________ (can't find de word to describe). i wan to move out, hv my own little pad. just a simple one. someone, help me!

lastly happy new year everyone.

let me.

pls navigate away if u cannot stand vulgarities.

fuck. desktop monitor gone. heng got old one, still can use. reformat desktop, as advised by de technician. was ok. until nw. 3 days later. kena stop error again. fucking hell. nw manage to come in. but duno hw perenial dat fucking problem will be again. damn.

fuck again. laptop speaker spoil. i am quite sure dat is de case bcos when i plug my earphone i can listen! i can plug an external speaker in i tink. but wth. de service pple in hp request dat i do recovery etc, check here check there. damnit. den now. they wan me to reformat my freaking laptop. fuck lah. isn't it straightforward, dat my speaker is spoilt, and shldn't they bring it back to change my speaker instead. fuck fuck fuck. maybe i shld've asserted my stand. reformat liao, damn bloody sianz. hv to update this update dat. wtf.

fuck one last time. fucking weekend. smtimes i wish i was alone. no family. no friends. let me go n wander ard. be a loner. a lone traveller. whether i sleep on de street or i hv aids or i take drugs etc, i wun hv to bother anyone. and no one can come n bother me. fuck fuck fuck. let me. fuck!!!

smtimes u might feel like screaming, baring your heart out to an audience who'd just sit back n listen n understand.

but hv u ever wondered if such an audience existed in the first place?

and... hv u ever wondered what happens if those secrets which u hv kept close to ur heart leaked out as a result of dat urge for ventilation?

u can nvr underestimate the depth of de hurt which these secrets can cost u.

been on a sleeping rampage. it's just madness. and i dreamt...
of fantasies dat'll always remain as fantasies.
of hopes dat'll always remain as hopes.
of fears dat'll always remain as fears.
of dreams dat'll always remain as dreams.

smtimes dreams become so vivd dat u confuse them with reality. prophecies maybe? one of de most incomprehensible moments came when i almost called my phy geog fren to consult her on water bodies bcos i dreamt dat i had to present a paper on water bodies.